Beloved No More (SPOILERS)

Not quite three years ago, I started this blog because one of my favorite characters had been killed off one of my favorite shows, which, in retrospect, does not seem like an appropriately momentous reason to start a blog.

And yet, here I am, three years later, blogging ... BECAUSE ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS HAS BEEN KILLED OFF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS, and to make matters worse, IT'S THE SAME SHOW: My Beloved Grey's Anatomy.

If you know me at all, you know I've had a love-hate relationship with Grey's since it started. Loved it at first. Then they bring on "the wife" at the end of season 1, and I actually stopped watching it at that point. I did not want to see a show about a love triangle. But it kept going, and people said they were liking it, so I tried it again and got hooked. I actually liked "the wife." But I didn't like the on-again/off-again will-they-or-won't-they relationship of Meredith and Derek. (I almost never like that. I don't really know anyone who dated someone for a while, then broke up, then started dating, then broke up, then started dating, ad nauseum until they finally got married—and then divorced—and then remarried, and what have you.) I didn't like Izzy having sex with Denny's ghost. (Yes, it was ridiculous as it sounds.) I didn't like the merger with Mercy West. But I loved so many other aspects that it was worth the roller coaster ride. And by the time Meredith and Derek got married on a Post-It (I'm one of the few who think that was perfect), I was all in.

That's why I suffered (although not in silence) through Lexie's and Mark's deaths. Calizona's marital woes. April's neuroses. Because when Grey's Anatomy is good, it is very, very good. When April and Jackson's baby died earlier this season, I cried more than I have since I read "The Fault in Our Stars." But in a good way—because it felt believable. I felt that this was happening to my friends April and Jackson, not TV-characters-who-aren't-even-real April and Jackson.

It must be pointed out at this time that I understand that these characters are not real. That when these characters die, or when the actors who play them get fired or leave a show, or when a show gets canceled, the actors generally go on and get other gigs (I'm talking about you, Matthew Perry. I will watch you in anything. Except The Odd Couple. Please find a new show.)

But the whole point of art is to make you feel something, and television—just like movies and books and music and theater—is an art form. One thing that Shonda Rhimes did very effectively was make me feel something for these characters. (Well, most of them. I don't give a hoot about the new interns or residents or whatever they are—I care so little about them that I haven't even bothered to figure out what their status is in the hospital.)

Well, now she's gone and done it. She's killed Derek Shepherd.

Stepping back into the "it's only a TV show" lens, I knew there was always a chance that I would lose Derek (just as, regardless of the fact that the name of the show is Grey's Anatomy, I could lose Meredith). After all, Patrick Dempsey is an employee. And last time I checked, employees can quit or be fired. And I don't know what the case is here—maybe Patrick Dempsey wanted off the show (although that is not the impression I get from interviews with him—he just signed a two-year contract with Grey's last fall).

Regardless of the reason, Shonda Rhimes killed Derek Shepherd.

And that just doesn't work for me. This time, my issue is more with the way she did it than the actual death. Which is not to say I wasn't upset about the death. (See previous paragraph re: "my friends April and Jackson." Derek was my friend too.) But in the "this is a story, not real life" world, I do get that death opens up different and meatier story lines for Ellen Pompeo (and the rest of the cast) than my pedestrian options for how Shonda could have written him out of the show (and those options are many and very detailed, LOL). And I do appreciate that she made Derek Shepherd a superhero in his last episode, and that was very, very right.

But here's what was very, very wrong to me. First, I knew it was coming. The first scene of the April 9 episode was Derek and Meredith talking to each other about how great things were between them. when he left to go to D.C., Meredith said "I wish you didn't have to go," and Derek said "I'll be right back." If you consume any kind of media—TV, movies, books, whatever—you know "I'll be right back" means "You'll never see me again."

Second, she strung it out across three episodes. Even Lexie died in 20 minutes. And did we really need a hashtag? (#WhereIsDerek? Puh-lease.)

Third, I knew it was coming. Yes, I know I already said that, but here are some things that happened between that first scene and Derek's death:

• Mer and Derek's sister Amelia had a conversation where Ami says to Mer, "You've never lost the love of your life." Thus ensuring that Mer would lose the love of her life.
• Mer's voice-over at the beginning of the April 16 episode questioned why bad things happen to good people and discussed how you never know how you'll react when your worst-case scenario happens.
• And in the April 23 episode (the death episode), Derek stops his car in the middle of the road. When you see a camera angle from outside the passenger door looking at the driver, you know that driver is going to be T-boned.

And that brings me to fourth reason: Derek is not so stupid that he would pull out in the middle of a road on a blind curve, stop the car, and look for his cell phone. That's just poor writing. There are a million more interesting ways he could have been critically injured at that accident scene. Getting T-boned by a truck is the most cliche of all of them. In fact, all of the "I knew it was coming" issues were poor writing. And quite frankly, I expect more from Shonda Rhimes. She has penned some of the most beautiful moments in TV history. (OK, that might be a little strong—but Grey's Anatomy didn't become My Beloved Grey's Anatomy because Shonda Rhimes and her staff can't write.)

Fifth—and this is really a nit—she didn't even give him the ability to make a difference after death by being an organ donor. I think that honoring the character Derek Shepherd would have required organ donation. (And I get that this really makes it seem as if I don't understand the difference between reality and a TV show.)

Sixth (maybe this will be the last one?), I really feel like an opportunity was missed when the little girl that Derek saved didn't pull Meredith aside and at least talk to her, let alone tell her how Derek described their first kiss. Maybe that will happen at the funeral (assuming the little girl can find a way to get there), but that would have really made me smile through my copious tears.

Yup, that was the last one.

So where do I go from here? Obviously, I must watch the "very special" two-hour episode this week for Derek's funeral. I need this closure. But do I pull the plug myself at that point? I hate leaving Meredith (although I know Meredith will not know). Yet I really don't want to open myself up to another death on My Beloved Grey's Anatomy. I never considered breaking up with the show after George died. When Lexie died, a break-up was a very real option, but there were some really sweet things afterward. Besides, I couldn't imagine that Shonda would break my heart so completely again.

But then she killed Derek Shepherd.